Some old emails, some forgotten notes.

I have been looking at my old emails, and I see the date stamp on them. I visualize how it was during that time. Life was good, it was competitive. There is an old saying that Time that passes is always a good time, it’s when time ceases to move that humans suffer.

I heard this a long time ago and always discarded it as some old forgotten statement made by some deranged mind. However, now I realize what it means. How deep it’s meaning is....come to think of it one might be going through the most difficult times of all and one keeps believing that this will not be forgotten but as life moves on all those rough edges are blunted and rounded and all one can remember are those bitter-sweet(more of sweet and less of bitter) memories.

I remember my first day at work...what enthusiasm and dreams for the future I had, how I struggled to be the best. I was hostile, anxious, afraid, daring and exuberant at the same time. I fought with my loved ones and the one whom I loved the most. And what all that person did for me. How selfless and how noble. I remember how I snubbed this person and how I was suspicious of him. I remember who all stood there to support me....maybe becoz they loved me and maybe becoz they had vested interests (more of the latter than the former). Everybody said it’s an organization of change.....and how I did not heed to winds of change.

And then those series of events struck me like one bombshell after another...my life was destroyed, my world was like a pack of cards in the wind and I thought this is the worst time in my life. Initially I had no idea what to do, but then I realized that there was no other option but to pick up the pieces and move on.

Time has passed and I stand in a better more aloof position than I was during those tumultuous days. I have the battle scars that remind of the many battles that I fought and mostly lost. Things have changed, maybe for the better or for the worse that I guess God (or anybody out there in the unknown) knows. Its time for me to move on again and I turn back and look......it was good time, a dangerous time and a deciding time. It was a time when...like they say in bestselling books ....life was at a cross roads and all paths looked rosy and thorny at the same time.

I chose what I had to choose or maybe I chose what I was forced to choose by destiny. And I look back and think....the time that has passed is always a good time.

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Perpetual Prozac

Sometimes pain can take you to the edge of numbness which is good feeling by itself…. you know the pain is there but you don’t feel it…like being on perpetual Prozac.

Life is strange..well who doesn’t know that? But at times I just don’t know why things happen the way they happen. Coincidence……maybe?? But personally I don’t believe in this. It’s the Law of karma.

I guess a sharp memory is good …as long as one is in high school!!! After that it’s a bane.

Has anyone had this strange feeling that when you stand a certain place and you can see all the past activities that you have been involved in at that particular place happen again around you. As if you are silent spectator of this 3D movie in which you are the central character. I had that feeling today when I stood out on the terrace tonight, I saw (or I think I saw) all those past events happen again.

I wanted to reach out and touch those near and dear ones, reach out and talk to them. Tell them all that I couldn’t say the first time. But then one of the other effects of Prozac is delayed response. And here in lies the Kundalini Crisis!!!

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Java Threads & Voyager Spacecrafts

Sometimes you know things happen, people move on, get separated, but life has its chords running. Just like threads in a java program, some of those threads don’t die or can’t be terminated. They just keep running continuously in the background, doing what they were originally intended to do. The program may be terminated but the threads keep running taking resources and a lot of memory space.

It’s so amazing to think about it all and the only feeling one gets is of awe and wonder. Things get antiquated and obsolete. But like the voyager, which moved out of our solar system, it just keeps sending pictures of what it sees and what it has passed. And we for generations will have to deal with the magnitude of the information that our own threads running out there will provide us someday.

You asked me what I was thinking and I said I was concentrating. I was!! I was accepting and filing away systematically the pictures that my voyager was sending to me. It was nothing; it was a thread running away with no brains and no emotions, just doing what it was originally meant to do. At least, it does its job better than we do!! Right??

And here lies the Kundalini Crisis!!!

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